How am I Doin'...?

So I decided I would update you all on my life right now...just because I want to.

I don't think this past week has been a good week for me. I gained back 3lbs. Which isn't a ton but when I am losing 3-6 pounds a week, seeing the scale jump back up almost made me mad...okay it actually did. BUT can I really blame the scale? It is my own fault. After surgery, I see more and more how the little compromises affect my moods, energy, and weight gain.

My grandpa passed away on Thursday last week so while running from Edmonton to Calgary to pick up my older brother and back, then to leave from Edmonton to Vancouver, back to Calgary from Vancouver and finally back home to Edmonton, I have not mastered the road trip munchies and food yet. While on the road it was a standard stop and grab situation. I made wrong choices - had some food that was full of grease (fries), and while I didn't dump, I knew it was still the wrong choice. And I think almost every meal I made a wrong choice in regards to food. I don't know. I think my biggest fear through everything is that I'm going to fail. I'm going to gain the weight back.

I've started to work out but since this all happened with my Grandpa, I haven't been able to hit the gym or even go to aquasize (which I haven't decided if I like yet or not) and forget bellydancing - Something always seems to come up on Sundays that it is so hard to plan anything.

I don't know...I guess I'm just starting to feel a little discouraged with everything.

Good To Go!

So I know I never really finished my surgery story. Partly because I feel like I tell it all the time and I highly doubt that anyone wants to read about it too. But I'll try to finish it in this post.

I wake up from my second surgery in the ICU. I don't remember a lot, but looking at the clock and seeing that it was 6am. I remember signing tube and trying to figure out when it was going to be taken out. I was in the ICU for 2 days. I had family come visit and a few really close friends - no one else was allowed in. After I was transferred to a regular unit. I was warned that after my second surgery, they had to put in a gastric tube. The tube connected straight to my bowel and came out on the side right my left breast. That tube was to release evreything in my bowel into a bag. I had to have that tube for at least 4 -6 weeks. The tube was the hardest part to deal with as it was stitched right into my skin and it hurt every time I moved. Thankfully my bowel started to work a week after my second surgery. If it didn't, I may of had the gastric tube for life or had to have a third surgery.

With my second surgery, I was cut from Breast bone to belly button, and it was stapled shut, well it decided to get infected. Since I have a lot of fatty tissue in my stomache area (hense the RNY) I am at more of a risk to get infections from open wounds. And that's what happened. It got infected, in two places. So instead of just having it heal, they had to open up my wound in two different places and "let it air out" I was in the hospital for two weeks after my second surgery and had to deal with my wounds for another 2 months after they were first opened.

It was quite the experience, but honestly, I don't regret my decision. I started my weight lose journey at 360lbs or 163kgs. As of today, I am at 267lbs or 121 kgs. That is a total weight loss of 93 lbs to date. Honestly, I can't believe how far I really have come. I have lost the size of a little person - or the size of the non-verbal boy that I watch. That is just CRAZY!

So after everything, I saw my surgeon on a pretty regular bases. But today when I saw him, I got the all clear! I don't need to see him again unless there is a problem and that is something I am definately not planning on.

Ponderings

So I am about two and a half months from my surgeries. and I have been finding that I am starting to notice/realize the smaller things that I never have before.

1) I have a collar bone. You can't see it quite yet, but if I put my hand on my neck, I can feel it sticking up. Which is honestly super exciting for me. Why? Because that was one of my main goals - to actually be able to see my collar bone.

2) My butt hurts! I can't sit for more than 2 - 3 hours at a time and that is even pushing it. Why is my butt hurting? I think it is because my tail bone is no longer surrounded by lots and lots of padding.

3) I need to stop buying new clothes. After the surgery I knew I would be losing weight. But I didn't realize how fast the pounds would be coming off. I bought "later jeans" for 2 -3 months from now but I'm now wearing my "later jeans" - 2-3 months early. Same with my winter jacket from last year - I figured I could still wear it this winter, but when I went to try it on again, I can wrap myself in it - so that won't work.

4) I love working out. I want to start doing different activities for working out. I like how I can go to the gym and work out and actually feel the sweat - it makes me feel like I really am doing something to better myself.

5) I have my own cheering section. The people I have met on this journey are all cheering for me, along with my friends and family. I couldn't be more blessed with the group surrounding me and cherring me on.

6) I am not the only one going through this weight loss journey. I have met some great and extremely helpful people that are willing to share their experiences - good or bad - with me.

7) I need support. I need to ask questions. Again, I am not the only one going through this. I have some of the same questions that other people probably have had. I can also help other people that are just starting their weight loss journey. Forums and message boards, meeting with friends, support groups can only help me.

8) I need to trust my body and my doctors. Especially for the amount and types of food I can now eat.

9) My brain will eventually catch up to my body. I have moments where I'm like "that shouldn't fit, it will be WAY TOO tight" or "I can eat all that food no problem" but in reality, that shirt or pants fit me fine, if not a little too big now. Or I can't eat all that food...I'll just end up sick.

So there you have it, 9 little things that I have learnt since surgery.

Sugery and Beyond

I wake up from surgery in the recovery room, listening to a nurse talk about tattoos. I have to give my comment in stating that sitting for a 12 hour tattoo is stupid. It is the same price in most cases if you spilt up the time. (After my journey is over, I'm getting one more tattoo)

Anyway, I am taken back to my room. I am not allowed to drink anything or have ice chips until the doctors determine that the surgery went according to plan and that I don't have any leaks from the stapling of my new stomach. Praise the Lord, I didn't. I was able to drink and slip on "food" that was in liquid form - so soups mainly. I really didn't feel like eating or drinking much the first few days while I was in the hospital. I had the small incisions - total of 7 of them. Moving around was difficult, but I needed to walk around if I wanted to get better quickier.

Three days after my surgery, on Friday July 16 I went home. To help with the pain I was given children's tyenol, children's gravol, and pure codine. Now I'm not too sure what happened but I just got sick. And Sick, sicker and worse. But because it was a gastric bypass I just assumed that was the way it was supposed to be. I would take my dose, fall asleep for about an hour and then be wide awake until my next dose. This continued friday into Saturday. Finally on Saturday I called my Aunt Elaine who is a retired RN. She didn't know I was having surgery much less the RNY Gastric Bypass so it was a bit of a surprise when I phoned. She came over and continued to watch me for the next day.

By Sunday night it was clear that something was seriously wrong and I needed to go into emergency. So we called the hospital where I had my surgery and it was an 11 hour wait. Decided to go to the local "mini hospital" Well that was a mistake. Talked to the Triage Nurse there and it was a 5 or so hour wait, but there wasn't much they could do and well, she said my body was just throwing up because it need to lose weight. She said her comment AFTER i just finished telling her I had Gastric Bypass surgery.

After I was told that there wasn't much to be done, we went back home. My aunt and my mum went to see if they could find me other gravol that may work. While they were gone, I threw up but it wasn't the normal throw up that I had been doing for the past three days. It was green and bile. Literally. It was my bile.

After I threw up that last time, my body calmed down a little and I slept. I actually slept for most of the night. Waking up once or twice until the morning. In the morning I decided that we needed to call the Clinic. My surgeon was going to be in that morning so hopefully he could shed some light on what was going on in my body. My aunt called the Clinic for me and they requested that I come right in.

I went in and had to convince them that I haven't been eating myself sick for the last 3 days. My Aunt (Bless her) had written down everything I was drinking and exactly when I was taking my medication so they figured out pretty quick that something was really wrong. They sent me for another leak test and xray. After those were over, I was admitted into the hospital.

As soon I was taken up to my room, I was approached by one of the other residence doctors and was told that I needed to signsome forms so they could take me back to surgery. Forms signed and off I went. While I was in the OR waiting for all the prep to be done - since they didn't do it on the unit like they were supposed to - I was told not to worry that if I woke up with the breathing tube still in, it didn't mean that all went to hell in a hand basket.

I woke up with a breathing tube in, my hands tied, and in the ICU.....

What a difference over a year makes....

Wow! The last post was actually written July 2009 when I was trying to figure out what to do...

Fast forward a year and 2 months to now.

I continued with the clinic here in Edmonton. I didn't get in to see the surgeon until February of 2010. One thing that most people notice as soon as they meet me if I'm short...very short. Not little person short but close enough. Well because I'm so short, my surgeon needed me to reach that 15% weight loss on my own before he would officially approve me for surgery. On May 3, 2010 I reached that point and I was officially approved for surgery. Papers were signed, appointments were booked, evreything was a go. Now I just had to wait for the call. The call that told me when my surgery was going to be.

I never got the call. After 6 weeks of waiting and waiting and keeping my phone by me so I didn't miss a phone call I decided to call the booking clerk myself. I was told that yes I'm still on the waiting list. But oh he has a surgery scheduled on July 13....okay you're appointment is July 13 I was told. I immediately called the clinic to let them know. I was given more appointments to attend and then I waited. Waited for the booking clerk to call back and tell me they made a mistake. My surgery wasn't supposed to be booked. They were wrong.

That call never come - thank goodness. I grew more and more nervous as the day drew near. Could I really have this weight loss surgery? Can I survive it? Am I making the right choice? Why did I have to pick the RNY gastric bypass? Should I of picked something simpler - like the sleeve?

July 13 came. I was driven to the hospital by a friend of mine who kept reassuring me that I am making the right decision. I signed papers and was asked to change into a gown with nothing on under (what no underwear I thought). Was given an iv and wheeled into the OR prep room.

Today I have done a lot of thinking, praying, and trying to decide what my next step in my life is supposed to be. I am honestly not too sure. I started my weight-loss journey about 5 months ago. I have fallen off the wagon, got back on, fallen off again and again got back on more times than I can count but now there seems to be a change in me. I may not like going to the gym all the time but slowly my habits and priorities have been changing. When I'm thirsty, more often than not I grab my water bottle to drink and not that can of Pepsi that I used to love. Now Pepsi doesn't really appeal to me. Oh there are days that I crave Pepsi but I try and try to not cave in. When I'm frustrated or mad and feel like giving it all in - I head off to the gym and try to release my anger that way. Am I perfect? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

From finally watching what I eat - or at least trying to - and working out regularly, I lost 9.5 lbs in a month - which is a little less than 2 lbs a week. I am in this clinic that is helping me loss weight and they are monitoring me medically, making sure everything is okay. Well I had an appointment on Thursday and they told me that on my next appointment if I continue with everything they will schedule me an appointment to meet with a surgeon that will preform one of three gastric bypass surgeries on me. Well at first I was very excited, but now reality is hitting me.

What will it be like? What will I become? Will I like who I become? Can I even go through with the surgery? Do I have such bad eating habits already that I will be screwed and die? Do I even want to be smaller? -Yes I do but how different will I look? Will I even be me after - inside and out? Will I turn into a Bi***? All these questions are running through my head and I don't know the answers to most of them and it is scaring me spitless.

I am at a loss......