Today I have done a lot of thinking, praying, and trying to decide what my next step in my life is supposed to be. I am honestly not too sure. I started my weight-loss journey about 5 months ago. I have fallen off the wagon, got back on, fallen off again and again got back on more times than I can count but now there seems to be a change in me. I may not like going to the gym all the time but slowly my habits and priorities have been changing. When I'm thirsty, more often than not I grab my water bottle to drink and not that can of Pepsi that I used to love. Now Pepsi doesn't really appeal to me. Oh there are days that I crave Pepsi but I try and try to not cave in. When I'm frustrated or mad and feel like giving it all in - I head off to the gym and try to release my anger that way. Am I perfect? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

From finally watching what I eat - or at least trying to - and working out regularly, I lost 9.5 lbs in a month - which is a little less than 2 lbs a week. I am in this clinic that is helping me loss weight and they are monitoring me medically, making sure everything is okay. Well I had an appointment on Thursday and they told me that on my next appointment if I continue with everything they will schedule me an appointment to meet with a surgeon that will preform one of three gastric bypass surgeries on me. Well at first I was very excited, but now reality is hitting me.

What will it be like? What will I become? Will I like who I become? Can I even go through with the surgery? Do I have such bad eating habits already that I will be screwed and die? Do I even want to be smaller? -Yes I do but how different will I look? Will I even be me after - inside and out? Will I turn into a Bi***? All these questions are running through my head and I don't know the answers to most of them and it is scaring me spitless.

I am at a loss......